Retro Rehash - Die Clanner! MechCommander Review

Like most people living here in the West I am party to the glitz and glamour of the First World.  Champagne, caviar, murdering the occasional prostitute and passing off the storage locker in which I keep their remains as a business expense.  Yet, the greatest example of my bourgeois pride is undoubtedly my Steam account, with its 248 games and backlog so mountainous it contends with Snowden for Britain’s highest peak.  So, of course, I’m here to talk about MechCommander, a now freeware RTS that you can download for nothing off the web.  To those reading in less developed nations you have just pinpointed the weakness in our soft, consumerist underbelly; but before the proles of the world rise up and cast our wasteful asses into the sea let’s wax lyrical about giant robots doing battle across the stars.

         

For those of you born after the great PC revolution that sowed the seeds of all video game greatness (this may be revisionist history), there used to be this little table top game called Battle Tech.  Set in a universe of warring houses, political intrigues and galactic conquest it demanded the use of miniatures, dice and hours of commitment.  Luckily, the good fellows over at FASA Studios (may they rest in peace) recognised that even humble folks like myself needed to exercise generalship over an elite cadre of Battle Mechs in pursuit of ultimate victory, sometimes.  And in 1998 they delivered the dream of every layman out there with the first MechCommander.

               

Battle Tech has a rich backstory which I encourage you to look into; unlike many other sci-fi universes it hasn’t fallen to the predations of money making and general enfeeblement that typifies much of Games Workshop’s and Star Wars fair.  MechCommander opens with the invasion of the planet Port Arthur, currently held by the forces of Clan Smoke Jaguar and follows your war of liberation from start to finish.  It’s worth noting that for the diehard fans out there MechCommander is a great addition to the lore, fleshing out the backstory to the reformation of the Star League and retaliation following the original Clan Invasion.  While for the uninitiated it offers a perfect backdrop for shooty, shooty fun with substance, thereby catering for everyone.  The intro is full motion video gold and much like Wing Commander shows how FMV’s should be used.  While the acting isn’t perfect it’s better than most and adds a dramatic flair to the proceedings that traditional computer rendered video just couldn’t match.  If you doubt it, check it out below.

                            

Following the model of a squad based combat system whereby you enter into each mission with a specified drop weight limit, each ‘Mech and pilot you lose can have a catastrophic knock on effect further down the line.  Of the two, the latter is typically more difficult to replace, for as each mission goes by those same pilots gain valuable skill improvements in areas like gunnery and sensor management, eventually achieving veterancy status.  As such, you end up with a core group of elites capable of handling the heaviest and deadliest of your war machines.  Their deaths are therefore cause for genuine mourning as your lance is accordingly diminished by their loss.  When losing ‘Mechs however, it’s all about what you can salvage from the battlefield and hock between missions. Whether that be the battle damaged steed of a former opponent or from numerous enemy caches scattered around the combat zone.  Everything adds up, with you typically choosing the choicest pieces of hardware for yourself, selling the rest to turn a profit and reinvesting in new weapons, pilots and ‘Mechs along the way.  Although it must be noted that while I’ve had units taken down (usually by prestigious amounts of weapons fire) I’ve almost always salvaged what I’ve lost, leading to a rather low attrition rate in my mechanised death machines.  Therefore, once the maintenance crews finished scraping the remains of the last occupant from between the dashboard they were ready to be forced back into the fight.

                                            

This is in no way to suggest that the game is easy, with creating the right mixture of ‘Mechs and loadouts to complete mission objectives sometimes being an empirical process.  I reloaded… a lot and given that you can only save between drops it can really eat up the time and be a tad frustrating.  Especially when you get almost to the end of a mission and run into, say, a Madcat. Are you ambushing multiple convoys?  In which case compact firepower and fast ‘Mechs are your best friend.  Or are you holding a forward base against staggering odds?  Your only hope being your heavies, with thick armour and overwhelming ordinance.  There are also a variety of limited special abilities such as artillery strikes (both large and small) and sensor probes, which accentuate your overall capabilities. These are allotted during your mission brief and cannot be changed.  There’s nothing quite like maneuvering an enemy vehicle into your kill zone and bringing the rain.  Add to this the addition of support like minelayers and scout vehicles and you can really have some fun figuring out the best way to meet your objectives.

                                                     

When looking at MechCommander I’m filled with a certain nostalgia, partially from the use of FMV’s but also the general feel of the game.  It’s been a good while since I played a new RTS of the same calibre that also made me feel like I was part of a real universe, that was truly immersive.  MechCommander achieves this in a variety of ways, from each set of missions being broken up into separate “operations” and the fact that while you’re the invading force, your enemy still outclasses you in a fair fight.  Clan ‘Mechs are where the action is at, trust me.  This, coupled with the variety of mission types and complexity makes you rely on outwitting your opponent as much as outfighting them.  The feeling you get bringing down a Catapult heavy packed with LRM’s (Long Range Missiles) up close and personal is hard to beat.  It was like watching a pack of dire wolves bring down an oliphaunt.  Most importantly of course, it’s free and will cost you nothing to try.  At best it might introduce you to a new and interesting sci-fi universe; at worst you’ll be unable to get it working and be out ten minutes.  But since this can easily be avoided by just copying all the game files into a folder and running the game from there, I doubt it.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The real concern when considering the unstoppable Marvel movie juggernaut is, when will it end and how? There are literally billions of dollars tied up in Thor, Iron Man, Captain America and the rest of the coterie.  So one has to wonder when, if ever, the studio will pull the plug in order to preserve the overall quality?  A serious question when you realise that some characters are signed up for a nine movie contract.
   
With that being said I approached Captain America: The Winter Soldier with a fair amount of excitement. From initial reviews and the trailer it looked like we were in store for a more rounded and engaging outing in comparison to the first film, a film I am still not particularly fond of.  There might have even been a certain wilful naivete on my part, having been mortified by the disaster that Man Of Steel would turn out to be after an apparently solid trailer and reaction.  Therefore I wanted The Winter Soldier to be a success if only to stave off becoming any more jaded to the comic book universe as a whole.  Whether that be DC, Marvel, Dark Horse or the funny pages.
             

Some heroes are prettier than others, eh?

Following the Avengers there was always the likelihood that one superhero wasn't going to be enough to sate an audience, at least not without a stellar story line, that it would feel like taking a step back.  A little like Thor: The Dark World turned out.  An entertaining, but uninspired walk around the Marvel block.  The Winter Soldier on the other hand delivers on both counts, treating us not only to the stars and stripes Captain himself, but Natasha Romanoff, assassin, spy and all round composite badass.  This is then capped with a tight narrative that is not only better than it's predecessor, but actively builds upon it.  It almost makes you think the execs and producers have some kind of plan for the series.  Crazy.
                             

It's quite clear from the off that the writers wanted to develop the Cap beyond his origin story, beyond being a clean cut goody who wouldn't put a toe wrong.  We did get a little of this in Whedon's tour de force, but it was fleeting and only hinted at a rebellious streak rather than featuring it.  In the Winter Soldier we get a more in depth look at Rogers as he tries to adapt to modern life, at one point pulling out a list of films, music and events he needs to catch up on after his sixty years on ice.  It's a nice touch that highlights the man out of time element.  We are further drawn to his sense of displacement and loss when he visits the museum exhibition depicting himself and his team during the Second World War, and by a conversation with the now dying Peggy Carter.  It all instils a sympathy for Rogers that was sorely lacking in the Avengers, in which his age was more of a joke than genuine character trait.

Air superiority is a serious SHIELD consideration.

                                   
This all blends seamlessly with the main plot and the Captain's increasing disillusionment with the way in which SHIELD operates.  As he says to Samuel L. Jackson's Nick Fury, "This isn't freedom, it's fear."  While he's talking about the helicarrier weapon systems, it sums up the juxtaposition between the murky world in which characters such as Black Widow live, breathe and take lunch, and the star spangled honesty that Rogers perceives himself as hailing from.  It's a clash of ideologies between the old and the new, acting as a fairly accurate allegory for the modern world.  It poses the question, how far would you go to maintain order?  How many principles and how many decent men would you sacrifice for the greater good?  I actually think it's the most grown up and well executed Marvel film to date.

In a surprise turn the relationship between Captain America and Black Widow was one of the film's highlights.  There was a genuine chemistry on screen as they played off one another, their differences making for an ensemble team that proves highly effective.  Given Romanoff's Russian background I had been hoping for a closer tie in with the Winter Soldier himself, for what there is proves to be little more than a token story. Although with the amount of self doubt and treachery that plays throughout the film, perhaps it was best to avoid anymore tangled subplots.  To ask for more could be construed as plain greedy and we do get to see the two face off in a classically well executed set piece.  So don't worry, there's action aplenty to compliment the story.
     
The Winter Soldier is a film that plays well upon it's connections, whether that be to the Marvel lore, between Captain America and SHIELD or the modern world and how we respond to threats in reality.  It doesn't molly coddle the viewer with special effects and quippy one liners (although there are plenty to be had) instead of asking questions that you might not expect from a comic book movie.  Steve Rogers in many ways serves as a mirror to an idealism that could be said to no longer exist, maybe it never did.  When you faced your enemies head on, when morality was less clouded by the intricacies of politics and extremism.  He is a straight shooter in a time when double speak and harsh action are the norm and in that sense it's hard not to love him.  He's honourable, he fights for what he thinks is right and most of all, he's human.  Sure he's beefed up with super human strength but his doubts, his worries and the traits that define him are undeniably mortal.  Unlike Thor or even Iron Man, he's grounded and serves as an empathetic vehicle for the stories trials and challenges.  Not to oversell it or anything.  Overall then this latest Marvel outing is a must see, if only so you can say you were there when comic movies took a leap forward, or there when they piqued.  Either way, this isn't one to miss.

The Resurrection of Abnett - The Bequin Trilogy: Pariah

Being the flagship writer for an entire sci-fi sub genre must be stressful. Not only do you have to please your fans, but your paymasters, loan sharks and own grandmother. So I've always cut Dan Abnett a little bit of slack as usually he comes through guns a'blazin' and delivers a riveting read. But lately his powers have been clouded by violent warp storms, hiding his prestigious talent for wholesale, literary destruction behind a few novels that haven't been quite up to scratch. Those being Prospero Burns, which suffers from some severe pacing issues, Salvations Reach, which stretches the realms of believability even in the 41st Millenium and Know No Fear, which was just too darn short and lacking in solid character development. Then again it was about the Ultramarines, so Dan really had his work cut out from the start.


Due to this recent bout of strife I've therefore been a bit shy of the blackest of libraries, instead focussing on my love of video games and fantasy Blood Bowl league. So when I picked up Pariah the other day it was without much enthusiasm, my telltale banter with the surprisingly well informed cashier falling flat on it's face despite his shared love of all that is grim and dark. Mentioning the current disillusionment with the 40k universe proved a greater error than originally supposed, for of my £10 gift card none was returned to me. Instead the diabolical fan boy destroyed it before my eyes, following up with a less than sincere apology, that was about as convincing as Hitler's shrug following his violation of the Munich Agreement. But I digress.
Ravenor vs Eisenhorn is, for all intents and purposes, a giant wet dream on the lining of that fan boy's over stretched boxers. It is the culmination of not one, but two of the Black Library's most iconic sci-fi sagas and by god if that didn't scare the living shit out of me. A failure would likely have sounded the death knell of my years long affair with Orks, Space Marines and those funky dressing Eldar. So it is with a solemn hand on heart that I can announce not only did Pariah exceed extremely low expectations, but announce Abnett's return to form.


One of the finest aspects of his writing has always been in setting the scene, in creating his own world within a copy-written universe. It's where a lot of 40k novels fall down, getting caught in the image of endless battlefields and sacrificial stock characters. In both Ravenor and Eisenhorn we are treated to a plethora of different worlds and cultures that showcase the weird and wonderful. Ranging from secret Mechanicus bases to dilapidated manors that sound like something straight out of a Steven King novel. And Pariah is no exception, the entire story taking place within the living, breathing city of Queen Mab. A monarch gone to seed but still possessing a glimmer of her old charm. Which is where our main protagonist Alizebeth Bequin finds her playground as not only an Inquisitorial agent in training, but as one of those rarest of creatures, a pariah. A walking hole in the world.


Of course anyone familiar with Abnett's earlier works will recognise this name immediately, harking back to the original Eisenhorn novels.  It's not the only blast from the past to make an appearance, with the nefarious Cognitae and many a character from the previous outings popping by to say hello. Obviously we can't go into too much detail without screaming spoilers, so you'll just have to take my word for it that the stroll down memory lane is a worthwhile one. It should be stated however, that the majority of the novel is fixated on launching the trilogy and introducing the characters involved. It is not a nostalgia roller coaster from start to finish, but rather more subtle. It's actually very well done, allowing the reader to play detective in figuring out not only the motivations of certain characters, but who they actually are in the grander scheme of things. For sure nothing is ever as it seems, the entire story line infused with Inquisitorial levels of duplicity.


As Bequin moves through the plot, becoming steadily more suspicious of everyone around her we are left with a certain level of paranoia as to what we as readers can trust. For unlike Alizebeth we know that something catastrophic is in the offing, that a chaotic element could at any moment reveal itself. In this regard the novel fails partially in it's suspense by being a tad predictable. It is perhaps a failing that was unavoidable, for being the final part of Abnett's universe many of his deceptions have been accordingly demonstrated in his other novels. For while we may not know exactly what the deception is, we are still braced for it. It should be said that this foreknowledge of possible events doesn't effect the story a great deal, Abnett executing a number of twists that even the sharpest among us are unlikely to foresee. It rather serves as a reminder that like Gregor Eisenhorn himself, the series is certainly a little played out and frayed around the edges in it's execution.


So I think I'll leave things here for now, for fear of treading on anybody's toes. The most important thing to take away is that Pariah is a worthy successor/continuation to the Eisenhorn/Ravenor saga. It's almost like Abnett reset his internal writing clock to the days when the Horus Heresy wasn't the centre of the Black Library's world and the potential for innovation was more forthcoming. Less dictated by the strictures of Games Workshop's premier series. It's clever, it keeps you guessing and reads like a mystery novel at a time when the genre has pulled a little too violently towards explosions and spectacle. Whether the next two novels can maintain the same level of intrigue is open to the forum. Certainly the next book will reveal more of the story and the potential staying power of Abnett as not only a successful Black Library author, but a good one at that.

Retro Rehash - Star Wolves: Reading Between the Lines

Isn't space cool?  It's all dark and twinkly at the same time.  Filled with stars, nebulas, comets and a whole plethora of totally radical stuff.  Of course, none of these things are as totally wonder bar as the spaceships. Now they're COOL.  Zipping around all fast and gun happy.  Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever been in space with solely peaceful intentions. There's always something that  needs pew pewing into oblivion. Whether that be evil pirates, corrupt corporations or some poor sod who happened to have cargo destined for my secret base.  It really doesn't bode well for the inhabitants of the galaxy that we're already blowing stuff up before we even get out there.

   
So, Star Wolves, what is there to say?  It's set in space for one.  Lots of space everywhere, can't get enough.  Secondly it's a mish mash of the RTS and RPG genres, so imagine Homeworld crossed with KOTOR's skills development, and lastly, it's Russian.  That part is very important to remember as it's the only way to excuse the game's most diabolical lapse. But we'll get to that. Developed by X-bow Software and published by 1C Company the setting is a fairly unoriginal one.  Space has been colonised, there's a human empire and some less than reputable corporations banging about... Oh and there are aliens but they show up later.  You play as a self-titled mercenary leading a rag-tag band of heroes through the perils of the universe, making money and claiming booty from your enemies cold wreckage.  And slowly but surely you're pulled into the machinations of just about every major player in the galaxy, all thanks to your incredible ability at wasting people in hard vacuum.  Have you noticed no one is ever looking for the best diplomat or fry cook, it's always with the killing?  More for our intergalactic neighbours to be worried about I suppose.

            

Now then, this might all seem a little dull, especially when you throw in the Ruski factor.  That being the most embarrassing voice acting known to man.  It's god-awful and single-handedly relegates the story to a very hazy plot that you follow with varying degrees of understanding.  This is then compounded by a less than (inter)stellar translation that, well, at times inflicts genuine suffering on the player.  A five year old dyslexic could have done a better job.   Understandably therefore, you might be wondering why you'd ever want to play what sounds like the gaming equivalent of an extinction level event.  To that, I offer the following.

                  

"3,2,1, FIRE!!

Star Wolves has one very big plus in it's corner, it's pretty.  True, space games tend to age more gracefully than your average workaday shooter, but a few times I was genuinely impressed with the lighting effects as a stars rays illuminated a remote space station, or I zoomed in on a gun ship as it strafed an enemy frigate.  It's one of those games that is a pleasure to look at and it's genuinely fun to mess around with the camera in pursuit of that ideal screenshot.  In a similar vein each of the ships you can buy to accentuate your force has a distinct feel.  The models offer a diversity and variation in design that offers an eclectic selection for your little armada.  Some are excellent dogfighters, fast and packing a wallop in the laser/gun department, while others are cumbersome gunships, laden down with station killing missiles and relying on cover to get the job done.  Of equal note is the soundtrack, a mashing blend of techno rock and roll that at times reminded me of the original Starcraft.  It works to smooth out the rough edges of the game, presenting another clear high production value that is lacking in the writing.  I could just imagine slamming home my cassette, pulling down the roof of my hypothetical sports car and racing off down the A1, the police in hot pursuit as the booming track taunted my would be jailers.  Now that would be fine.

                        

In a stag party, she's the man.

The choice of vessel tallies well with the myriad characters who join your mercenary band.  I found their personas kind of boring to be honest and took to giving them their own back stories and dubious accolades. For instance, resident Imperial fighter jock Viper became the lesbian lover double crossed by her heart of hearts in pursuit of the universes biggest taco.  Interestingly, I feel that the writing took a turn for the better under my guidance.  Back on point you want to choose the right mixture of character abilities and accordingly, ships, to make your little band work.  I lost a lot of money figuring this out and even now make sure the Star Wolf, which accompanies you on every mission as your carrier, has a couple of spares to hand. The Star Wolf is your home away from home and can be loaded out with bigger and better guns, shields arrays and engines.  My main complaint would be that the outward appearance of the old garbage scow never changes; the gun emplacements do but there's no other outward signs of customisation.  So boooo to that.  What the Wolf is however, is a damage sponge.  With some hefty armour and shield improvements it can reap the freaking whirlwind, but never forget can be quickly cut to pieces without fighter support.  

         

The game itself handles a little sluggishly from time to time, with drops in frame rate occurring at odd moments and commands taking that half second longer to be processed.  It's a bit of a ball ache, disrupting the rhythm of combat and accounting for a good few losses on my part.  Glitches from crashing to desktop and freezing have been reported by others, but I never had a problem even if it didn't run with the efficiency of a German rail system. Other than that the games controls are simple to learn and don't put a great  demand on your time; I might even call them intuitive to a degree, although they surely took some pointers from Homeworld and Nexus: The Jupiter Incident.  Nothing wrong with emulating the greats, mind you.

               

In Retro Rehashespect (it's a thing, trust me) when I look at Star Wolves, I see a flawed but entertaining foray into the world of space strategy.  It's never going to win any awards, being far too messy in places to barely stave off sniggers and pointing at the annual sci-fi gaming palooza, but like the fat, sensitive kid at school still has plenty to offer.  It's mechanics are sound and result in some exciting dog fights, while balancing out your squadron takes actual precision and skill.  You can't make every pilot an expert in laser warfare, otherwise who is going to fix your ship in the heat of battle?  This nuance saves Star Wolves from a brutal execution in front of the parade ground, for where it fails singularly as a narrative tale, it excels as a thinking mans game.  Impressive considering how it seems to have been written by a drunken illiterate on sabbatical from his local opium den.  So, come for the painful hilarity and stay for the complexity would be my advice.  Also, whatever you do, don't buy Star Wolves 2.  But that's another story.

Goodnight.

20 Menthol Cools - Riddick

Returning to our cinemas after a nine year hiatus, Vin Diesel's anti hero sci-fi saga continues in the self titled, Riddick. To say that the film's existence is a miracle is not an exaggeration. With the support of no major studio behind it and a rather luke warm response at the box office in it's previous outing, another tour on the big screen didn't really seem likely to be in the offing. But they did it, and by they I mean the unstoppable merc killer himself, Vin Diesel and director of both previous installments David Twohy. It's hard not to respect the commitment behind Riddick, with the Fast and the Furious star leveraging his own house to help fund the project. Without a doubt this was a labour of love that is rare in the current incarnation of Hollywood.

The font of all Riddickness.

Now I must let it be known up front that I am a massive Pitch Black fan and despite it's flaws, thoroughly enjoyed the Chronicles of Riddick. As such I was going into this film prepared for blood, action and an all round entertaining sci-fi adventure. By the same token however, I was braced for cataclysmic systems failure and a disappointment not seen since Sucker Punch (May the gods curse you Zack Snyder). It's the price of being a fan, especially an objective one that you may suffer from time to time while grasping for the next hit. As such I was keeping an open if slightly guarded mind.

First of all it has to be said that Riddick gets off to a slow start, with at least a 25 minute period before things really kick into high gear. I've read here and there about people getting up and leaving, something which still baffles me, as if I've paid, I ain't going anywhere. But it's a necessary build up you'll come to realise; it sets the scene and brings Riddick back into line with the original film. A lone predator against the galaxy. We get closure on the whole Necromonger paradigm, Karl Urban returning for a short scene that confirms his sci-fi loyalty credentials and see Riddick in his own environment. Perhaps as close to happy as sociopathic, monster killing, nocturnal hunters can realistically get. So right there is a reason to stick around, because you know hell is going to be riding in damn soon to ruin the relative calm. And boy does it, in the form of nasty pincer tailed aliens wanting to chow down on our resident anti hero, with the only escape being a group of mercs out for his head.

Nice to have you back Karl, however briefly.

It could be argued that Riddick is a copy of the first film, marooned on a planet with some deadly locals, but that's selling it short. It's all part of bringing Riddick back to basics and then some; the some in this case being the human element ala bounty hunters. Every good action film needs a bad guy and into place steps Jordi Molla as Santana, a man who will settle for nothing short of Riddick's head in a box, literally. He kind of reminded me of Lena Headey's Ma-Ma from Dredd, totally bat shit crazy and merciless to boot. He's exactly the kind of character you love to hate and relish taking a beating. Also when your main protagonist is wanted by half the galaxy for a string of murders and other miscellaneous criminal activity, it's always a good idea to up the psycopathy levels on your main villain.

Let's get those drums beating.

This review couldn't and wouldn't be complete without mentioning Katee Sackhoff of Battlestar Galactica fame. She's a member of another group of mercs lead by Boss Johns (Matt Nable) who is hotly pursuing Riddick to his own ends. It's actually a nice tie in to the first film, so I'll try not to spoil it. A lot of fans will simply be happy to see Miss Sackhoff in a big screen release, but that would be undercutting her performance entirely. Much like her Galactica alter ego, Starbuck, she's tough as nails and knows how to handle herself. But where as Starbuck was unstable and often unsure of herself, Dahla has no such qualms. Delivering two of the beatings to Santana that you will so enjoy. As Sackhoff says, "She's the toughest character I've ever played..." Quite the nod from such a sci-fi veteran.

A complaint that could be leveled against Riddick is that is appears a bit bear bones in the scenery department. What there is, while very well shot and enjoying a high quality of CGI veers slightly towards the minimalist. Personally it didn't seem like much of a problem as the nostalgia trip when compared with the first film is considerable. But I suppose some people might have liked a different setting, maybe a city or some such, much like the change between Predators one and two. Going back to Dredd though, I'd say that it works much as it did for Karl Urban's action flick, being a setting for the characters rather than a distraction from them. On the CGI front as well it has to be said that the creature effects are superbly executed, with Riddick picking up a pet dingo/dog animal early in the film that for all intense and purposes never betrays it's computer coded origins.

Riddick, it's really a big budget RSPCA film.

But what of Vin himself you ask? Does he deliver, or has the pressure of funding, helping to write and produce the movie effected his performance? Not in the slightest, this is pure Riddick and really feels like a film that was put together with a lot of reverence for the character. Diesel has stated that he "fell in love" with our hero from almost the get go way back in 2000, and it's not hard to see why.  It's difficult not to like Riddick for his intelligence, his martial prowess and even, weirdly, his moral code. He's not a monster and when compared with Santana comes across as positively balanced, a man who does evil things out of necessity and maybe (sometimes) a little enjoyment. Not that he isn't undeniably awesome at killing, maiming and inspiring terror. For as he says while eyeing Jorgi Molla's character, in chains of all things, "You go in the first five seconds" and not for a moment do those in the audience doubt it. Riddick is a force of nature and you're damned if you get in his way.

So in this third and hopefully not final outing, if the box office is anything to go by, we're really treated to some proper sci-fi action. None of the pretensions and over reliance on CGI that has come to charaterise the sci-fi movie industry, I'm looking at you Avatar, but a solid character driven story with lots of action. It's also nice to see Riddick developing as a character, a process which has steadily evolved over the previous two installments until he's not the same man who was willing to maroon three innocent survivors back in Pitch Black. So go and see Riddick, be patient and most of all, Rule the Dark.

There's a Reason They Call Them Joes: Retaliation

I am a guilty man. Not Operation Yew Tree guilty but certainly skimming the lines of good taste all the same. I, humble reader, enjoyed G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra. That's right I am an insurgent, a terrorist, a threat to good wholesome cinema and by god I will not apologise. It was fun, it was over the top and probably dumber than a bag of retarded cats, but it tickled that inner child (appropriately) with all it's techno ridiculousness and shiny explosions. It was before Channing Tatum even tried to act or Jason Gordon Levitt became a household name and for that we were gifted with the film equivalent of action crack. Cheap, nasty and oh-so satisfying. So when I heard there was to be a second outing for the Joes I was accordingly quite pleased. The withdrawal had become near terminal.  I almost watched a Van Damme movie.

But after sitting for the 110 minute runtime willing something interesting to happen I can safely say any and all previous excitement has been extinguished. This wasn't a G.I Joe movie and much like the new Star Trek films bears a brand, not a franchise. Gone are the exciting sonic weapons, the exo suits, the Pit and the majority of the original cast.  Instead we're left with a bunch of everyday soldiers who quite frankly have almost nothing of interest going for them. They're a special forces team with regular weapons and regular tactics. Sure we get to see a couple of bullets that can be guided round corners but it's all too grounded, as if the producers desperately wanted to prove that G.I Joe can be taken seriously after being savaged by the critics. But that doesn't work because, lets face it, G.I Joe is dumb. It's based on a toy line and really right there is enough said. Battleship and theTransformers franchise are two of the worst creations not only in cinema, but the history of language, art, literature, theatre and any other definable entertainment medium. And why dear reader do I not throw The Rise of Cobra on the bonfire as well? Because it had the common decency to do exactly what it said on the tin and not bullshit the viewer that we were watching a serious, dramatic action film. It was clear we were in it for the laughs, the lights and the explosions. Retaliation violated this sacred accord.

It suffered the Call of Duty effect. It came to believe that action was best expressed by contemporary militaries doing contemporary things with a hyperbolic story line thrown in to convince us fun was afoot. In CoD 3 the Russians invade America. In Retaliation Cobra seizes control of the US government by supplanting the president with an impostor. It sends the entire focus of the film into a tail dive, for on the one hand a terrorist organisation led by a toaster faced baddy has used high tech nannite equipment to replace the most powerful man on earth, but at the same time a couple of Green Berets led by the Rock are going to save the day? Talk about a juxtaposition. Now even if you can buy into this massive discrepancy and think maybe it'll have lots of cool explosions and set piece battles, you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. WMD wrong. For an "action" movie there is surprisingly little actioning going on, with the entire middle of the film meandering around the shocking revelation that the president isn't the president and how super evil Cobra is. There's also a plot focussed on Storm Shadow (a Cobra agent who was tricked into diabolical world machinations) but this hardly qualifies as Sherlock Holmes. If anything it's insultingly obvious. Even the 13 year olds in the audience could figure it out.

So having torn the film a new one maybe you're thinking this is the part when I say, "But at least it stars Bruce Willis." Surely any action film is immediately improved by none other than John Motherfucking McClane, hero of bald men everywhere and had he actually starred I might be saying that. He has about 20 minutes screen time, period. Far, far less than the trailer would lead us to believe and you come out feeling more than a little cheated. He was one of the main reasons I wanted to see the damned film, even mitigating my concern at the new, super real look with good old fashioned star power. Instead he appears briefly midway through the movie, buggers off and comes back for the under whelming showdown. Playing ex General Joe Colton he's supposed to be the creator of the G.I Joes, but we never get any exposition or an explanation of any kind. We really are supposed to just be impressed that Bruce Willis is Joe, a revelation which means nothing without any context. I would have killed to have General Hawk come riding in, declare the whole thing retconned and get back to fighting bad guys with Eiffel Tower eating missiles.

Hawk:  "That's right kids, it was all a horrible Cobra trick to convince you the studio are dumbasses."

Retaliation failed because it wanted to be something it wasn't. It wanted to be serious, a film that the critics wouldn't laugh at, a new and more respectable kind of G.I Joe. Whoever decided that whether it be Jon M. Chu, the writers or some suit they deserve pistol whipping. Preferably with one of those big Cobra rifles from the first film. You ruined a ridiculous premise with a need for vindication. You traded science fiction for the Rock. You destroyed your franchise not by making a commercial flop but by making a totally forgettable movie that while possibly spawning a third has no personality, no sense of fun. Retaliation deserves to be consigned to ignominy as a warning to every other studio out there that some films don't need a sequel, even if you're desperate to turn a buck. Rather that you should call a Channing Tatum movie a Channing Tatum movie and move on. Leaving those who despised the first to their fist shaking and we happy few who loved it to our drooling and much fuller wallets.

Retro Rehash - Blitzkrieg

One of the first things to strike me about Blitzkrieg was it's old school feel. This is in no way a negative point, if anything it endeared me to Nivial Interactive's creation faster than any fancy gimmick or graphics ever could. I still prefer the Risk style campaign maps from the original Total War games for god sake. Much of the draw came from the games relative simplicity.  Sure you fight your way through multiple campaigns and battles but there's nothing else gumming up the works. For such an example of mastication failure I point you to the Men of War series, whose attempts at character guided gameplay are woeful in the extreme. Admittedly this isn't helped by some of the worst voice acting ever committed to audio, but it feels listless all the same. Blitzkrieg gives you the units, the locales and the enemy. The rest is up to you and it's extremely
freeing.

Preparation for battle.

From the campaign screen you're presented with the theatre of combat and the missions available in that area. Many are purely optional but grant you special bonuses which can be pretty handy come the historical engagements. From better artillery pieces to heavier armoured units they can give you the edge you need to reach the next campaign area, whether that be North Africa, the fields of Europe or the vast empty reaches of the Eastern Front. At the beginning of each battle you select your unit composition and move out, perhaps accentuated by extra forces on certain maps but with the core of your army held together by your elite units. These can  gain promotions and as such become far more effective on the battlefield.  By the end of the Allied campaign my artillery had become a force for mass destruction, raising enemy held positions like wrathful and very accurate gods.

Given that there is no resource gathering in Blitzkrieg you have to rely on your own strategic savvy to preserve any operation.  Charging headlong at enemy defences will usually result in a slaughter as hidden anti tank guns and enemy trenches wreak havoc with your forces.  This is where artillery and air power become key for both the spotting and removal of opposition units. From calling in Heinkel bombers to flatten an area to recon planes to spot for your field pieces the use of air power cannot be underestimated.  If anything these two forces in conjunction can win entire battles for you, your tanks and infantry moving into enemy positions all but unopposed.  This is sometimes a little irksome as engagements can devolve into high explosive slanging matches, so it's important to choose your moments to commit your ground troops, usually after a heavy bombardment has exposed a weakness in the enemy line.  Anything else is tantamount to suicide.  Be smart people.

One of the coolest additions Blitzkrieg brings to the table is the ability to lay down defences such as mines, tank traps and trenches to frustrate your opponent. Given that almost everything from bridges to forests are destructible this comes in handy when you need to secure a flank against a counterattack in a decimated area. There's nothing like watching enemy armour flounder against your AT guns and infantry trenches before launching your own into the fray. One of the most important realisations I have had when it comes to Blitzkrieg however, is that it is a game which relies heavily on you to take the reins. It's very easy to dig in and lob shells across the map rather than taking the fight to the enemies front door. Some of this is the failure of the game itself, with ground units feeling too fragile to commit for fear of losing them for no tangible gain. I know I wouldn't attack a village before softening it up with extreme levels of ordinance, but it's a bit frustrating at times when the defenders hold a clear and unexplained advantage. A few times having engaged enemy tanks in the open with my own I've been baffled by the slaughter that has ensued, despite the relative equality or superiority of my own armour. It seems that in trying to make you think your way through problems the designers might have upped the difficulty a little too far, relegating some units to paper tigers in all but name.

Meet the gun line.

Now moving onto more technical issues, hailing from back in 2003 Blitzkrieg's isometric terrain and graphics stand up under modern scrutiny surprisingly well, the shifting weather system being of particular note. There's nothing more inconvenient than a sandstorm invading the map just as your forces advance to evict an enemy anti tank position. The explosions and flashes of guns are credible if not all defining, the explosive crump of artillery being my personal favourite amongst the game's 350 units. It should be noted that not all of these are useful, with infantry demonstrating themselves suited to a defensive role only, although their guns sound convincing even if their effects are negligible.

So what have we learned class? Firstly, that Blitzkrieg requires you to use your noggin. If you don't you'll find yourself frustrated and very, very dead. Secondly, the AI is a little passive but holds a massive advantage in defence. You'll find that some of these advantages shift to you when in the same position, but that the computer is far more effective at employing ground units to punish your lines than you are. I have to say that while this can be annoying it does offer up a real challenge and so should be forgiven in the spirit of cerebral stimulation. And lastly, it's fun, really fun, if you can accept the finite resources and capabilities you're given and use them to out think the enemy. It's particularly rewarding come missions end if you're still in possession of your core units while the German or Allied armour smolders in the background. Blitzkrieg is smart gaming if you want it to be, so give it a go and if it's not for you, there's always Halo Wars.