Mass Effect 3 Extended Cut: Rage

I'm sorry Bioware, NO! NO, NO, NO! Having only purchased Mass Effect 3 recently I'm a bit behind the times; as such however, I'd already heard the phenomenally bad press it's finale had attracted. So I'm not here to bash on the bear bones, kick in my crotch embarrassment that is the original game. But the fix job Bioware released to patch the problem. The problem being of course that different coloured lights and three shitty choices do not an ending make. You see I've looked around and there are mixed opinions on the DLC, some hate it, others like it and some are just happy that an extended cut exists. That their beloved universe will not have to suffer the shame of attending the sci-fi franchise annual wine tasting with such failure tucked between it's deflated butt cheeks. And interestingly enough, it is with these people that I have the biggest beef. With whom I would like to engage in some friendly cajoling before I introduced them to the pointy end of my omni tool. Why you ask? Why humble reviewer, are you in such an uncontrollable rage? Because you don't pat a dog on the head for crapping outside after it's already shat on the carpet, that's why!

Don't get me wrong, it's commendable that having whored themselves out to the dark forces of EA that Bioware could comprehend the idea of consumer dissatisfaction, but it doesn't make up for the original failure. It just knocks a few years off the sentence and I'll be damned if they get to come out of this with an unsullied rectum. Sure, they've made the endings longer and filled in some rather large plot holes: like how did your team make it to the Normandy and why do the Mass Relays explode in every ending sequence? But it doesn't change the fact that the conclusion, the original upon which these fixes were based, plain sucked. I mean, wow, in pretty much every option you are given, minus the bonus were Shepherd can survive, you have to kill your character. Whether you destroy, control or merge with the Reapers you pretty much kick the proverbial bucket. And all I can ask is, why? Why Bioware are you so intent on forcing us to die? Do you hate us that much? Do you feel that your writing staff is so shoddy they can only make something dramatic by killing a character many have invested three games worth of effort into? It makes no sense; why can't there be a happy ending; why can't we CHOOSE to live? As this is a video game that, despite ignoring it's previous incarnations when it suited, champions the player as master of his/her own destiny. And don't even get me started on the Galactic Readiness scale, which again fails to have any effect on the outcome of the game even though it was its entire sodding focus. I mean, these are the people you want to thank for the extended cut? A company who barely seemed to understand what was happening in their own franchise?

I am raging, I appreciate that, but I think Bioware's slap job is beyond the realms of acceptable behaviour. Releasing an incomplete product and then fixing it is, well, just plain dickish. If anything they should have received a curt "good" from the fan base as the extended cut was humbly handed over and been sent to sit in the corner and think about what they'd done. As even with the DLC I still felt that the entire synthetic-organic paradigm was as weak as they came, as such issues were not central to the saga. They played their part, especially with the Geth and Quarrian story line, but it feels tacked on in the end. Like the writers couldn't be bothered and instead through out the old, Order vs Chaos bit. It seemed overly contrived, how the Reapers had to trim the galactic hedge every 50,000 years to avoid some vague synthetic rebellion and ultimate organic extermination. If anything by uniting the Geth and the Quarrians this entire theory falls to pieces faster than your average Kevin Sorbo series.

Anyway I am beginning to drift a tad here, so lets round up. Bioware did bad. Bad Bioware! Don't do that anymore! Then again with Dragon Age 3 on the way maybe I'll be back again this time next year, only a lot drunker and still trying to figure out what a Turian/Human baby would look like. I love you Garrus, too bad Bioware said we couldn't be together. If only there was a way for a computer geek, playing a female character and romancing an alien bird man could make it work in this crazy universe, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

P.S - Yes the child ending is ridiculous, stilted and completely out of touch with the franchise, but I think that's been pretty well covered already. I'm all out of rage people.

Control Ending
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhVhBz4ANj4

Synthesis Ending
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCU3kl1vfiw

Destroy Ending
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWhlU5xM2E0&feature=relmfu

Movie Atrocities Of Yesteryear - Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I went into Star Wars: The Clone Wars prepared to bear the brunt of at least a modicum of disappointment. What you must understand is that as an avid fan of Lucas's grand creation I have weathered the fans discontent from The Phantom Menace, rose above the somewhat stilted acting and script of Attack of The Clones and found ultimate redemption in the semi-epic conclusion that is Revenge of The Sith. Like all movie franchises the series has had its flaws, its ups and downs, and sadly for this movie it is perhaps the furthest the saga has ever had to fall. George Lucas I beseech you, what in the name of Korriban were you thinking?

Don't we fans deserve a little respect? We've suffered enough

We open without the quintessential reel of story and instead are force fed a quick summary from some cantina layabout, who may or may not have once worked on one of the ill fated Starship Trooper sequels. Jabba's son has been kidnapped is the general jist of it and only the Jedi can possibly save him from the clutches of the evil Separatists. Ignoring the fact that nowhere else does this figment of imagination rear its damned ugly head, we as viewers are further insulted by the creature's name: Stinky. This is only a nickname mind you, who knows what you'd even call a baby Hutt, so I became rather resigned to it in the end.  It almost made me long for Jar Jar back, if only almost. The entire plot is centred around the rescue and quite frankly there's very little else to explain. Simply put:

If the Separatists win and return the son they stole they can use the Hutt Space lanes to help defeat the Republic.  Or, well you know the Republic does the same blasted thing but only to the Separatists. It's not a head scratcher. There are no, "I am your Father" style bombshells here.

Where's Order 66 when you need it?

However, I am getting ahead of myself and in so doing I am perhaps skating over the worst partnership in the history of film. Enter Anakin's (Matt Lanter) new Padawan; yes, I said Anakin's new Padawan, Ahsoka Tano (Ashley Eckstein). Given that almost the entire cast, minus the obviously confused Lee and Jackson, returned to voice their characters you would have thought that George might have felt the need to up the dialogue to a notch above dire, simple-minded-singular-sentences. But alas, no, and instead we are given witty banter between the two protagonists that boarders between redundant and woefully stupid. From stating the blindingly obvious to acting like an American brat lifted straight from High School Musical Thirteen, Ahsoka very quickly becomes the character you want to see Dooku soundly cleaving in two. By the end you'd probably pay your admission fee just to see a twenty second clip of the blessed event.

The bad guys themselves, Dooku and Assajj Ventress are nothing to write home about but do successfully put up a front of being evil without having to resort to pep rally bickering. The simple fact is that they are the anti Tano and Skywalker, which will immediately have you rooting for them if only to end your own suffering. But when you have to back the sadistic, and in Ventress's case psychotic, bad guy you know you're in trouble. For as much as we'd like not to admit it we all want to see the good guys win... Just not these good guys.

Something of a last stand situation?

In fairness the effects for the film are not that bad, although they don't touch the complexity or artful skill say, shown in  WALL-E. Actually there are a lot of things this film doesn't share with WALL-E, but the battle scenes are well rendered, adding some desperately needed weight to the flailing narrative. Obi Wan (James Arnold Taylor) actually delivers a passable Ewan McGregor impersonation, but once again the abysmal dialogue drops this small victory into the Rancor pit. After a while you do begin to wonder if the Jedi Master has perhaps meditated himself into a vegetative state; by the closing credits you very well may be hard pressed to remember your own name.

And there is one vital component that no Star Wars film can be found without, the musical score of John Williams who has successfully brought a consistent and vibrant feel to the series that is instantly recognisable as Star Wars. He made tiny Ewoks being blown to smithereens even sadder for Pete sake! The man quite simply is a genius. One however that is missing from The Clone Wars, and instead we are subjected to the guitar infused machinations of Kevin Kiner. Who seems upon realising he could not match Williams finesse struck off in another direction altogether, which quite frankly bombed faster than a Tie Fighter with an X-Wing up its rear end.

It does seem that this entire sordid affair need never have been brought into the light of day. In the end Star Wars fans are a picky bunch, they hated Phantom Menace as it could never live up to their expectations. So why did poor, dim George think that they could ever be sated by a teenage Disney padawan and her suddenly happy-peppy-none-dark- side-turning master? Honestly I don't have a clue and short of a well timed Jedi mind trick I doubt we ever will. This foray into the world of computer Star Wars animation should be consigned to the history books and preferably hidden from sight, if only to stop our children from judging us too harshly. So may the force be with you and watch your DVD's instead, as there's nothing more fun than watching the Death Star go boom, and pretending that The Clone Wars was a figment of your obviously over stimulated imagination.